I’ve never watched Lost before, but since I felt really left out with the series finale craziness tonight, I decided to watch anyway. Here’s how that went…

9 – 9:07 Very confusing bits and pieces. There’s a doctor, and a guy who I guess used to need a wheelchair.

9:07 Priest named Desmond is orchestrating some kind of hostage situation that involves a fugitive and a corpse. I think he’s part of a crossover with Touched by an Angel.

9:08 I think the girl escaped to an island. Good for her. But everyone seems to have emotional baggage. Jacob seems to have been born again, or something. Or something.

9:09 A mission! To destroy a magical leprechaun in the Heart of the Island. Fun banter. Ominous close-up. Credits. Commercials!

9:14 Another hostage situation with a confused fugitive. If he’s driving a Hummer he must be a bad guy. Hey! It’s either Merry or Pippen! And he’s… goth. I think the big curly-haired guy is another Angel. A very badass Angel with a tranquilizer gun.

9:16 I think someone should be tending to that girl’s wounds. I can see the blood and I think her arm is broken. Where are their priorities?

9:17 Aragorn is captured. He calls the bald guy “Smokey.” Is he the Smoke Monster I keep hearing about?

9:18 I think one camp likes the Island. And the bald-headed guy wants to destroy it. I guess I’m rooting for the Island to stay put.

9:19 More characters! I don’t recognize these people from EW. They seem nice, though.

9:20 The T.V. screen goes crazy. I’m scared.

9:21 Ha, the kidnapping priest Desmond is now the hostage. How the tables have turned. Commercials!

9:26 I think the little guy in the back with the walkie-talkie is going to betray the bald guy.

9:27 Gah! More characters to keep track of…

9:28 Of course the black smoke is evil. I thought we were post-racial. Wait, there’s another island?

9:29 Now it’s a CSI-type thriller, possibly in the past, or future, or alternate sideways universe. With bedside drama and the FBI agent from V!

9:30 Japanese lady is having déjà vu for two. 😦 They’ve had some tragic love story. I’d watch that movie.

9:31 Hey! They speak English… Liars, trying to make that nice doctor look stupid. Commercials!

9:35 Boromir is running away to join Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.

9:36 More hospitals. I thought this was supposed to set on an island.

9:38 These guys are being pretty dramatic about a grey hair.

9:39 Another plane crash with new survivors? Or is the pilot an original survivor? How long has he been floating in that water?

9:40 Damn. She really hates that bald-headed guy. Where did that gun come from? This is probably how she ended up in jail in the first place.

9:41 Okay, I’m dropping the LotR metaphor now. Commercials!

9:45 Aw, they call each other “doctor”, like “honey” or “sweetie.” Gag.

9:46 Oooh, Desmond is a weapon. I’m intrigued. Although, why doesn’t Desmond just run away? The bald guy only has a little knife. Also, Jake is going to kill the guy whose spine he fixed? Is that irony?

9:47 “I believe in you, dude.” Gag. I thought he was supposed to be badass. Where’s his tranquilizer gun?

9:48 So confused.

9:49 I guess that little waterfall is a wormhole or something. Cool. Commercials!

9:53 “You can’t let other people decide who you are, dude. You have to decide that for yourself.” Gag.

9:55 Syed to the rescue! Like Batman. Another love story… but inter-racial this time. So, do all these people have amnesia or something? Yay! Ian Somerhalder. I know him from The Vampire Diaries.

9:56 Another angry chick with a gun. Named Claire, apparently.

9:58 Desmond keeps talking about going towards the light. Does that mean what I think it means?

9:59 So confused.

10:04 Ohhhh, Claire is the pregnant sister. I’m getting’ it, I’m gettin’ it…

10:05 Angry chick reunion at a benefit concert with a very mismatched band.

10:07 The place at the bottom of that waterfall looks very mystical. No! Don’t step in the water! You’ll wake up the water zombies! Wait, no, that’s Harry Potter…

10:09 What the hell just happened? Did he pull out the stopper in some mystical drain to Hell? Uh oh…

10:10 Wow, Jake cannot take a punch. Commercials!

10:15 Damn, this show has everything. An impromptu birth backstage at a concert! Wow…

10:16 Damn, more déjà vu.

10:17 Oh, for heaven’s sake. Fastest delivery ever. Did she even cut the umbilical cord?

10:19 ANOTHER love story.

10:20 I can’t tell which one is the “real” world…

10:21 Earthquake! And panic music! And rain! It’s like someone is shaking the giant snow globe they’re all in.

10:22 Why didn’t they repair that plane five seasons ago? Locke probably stopped them. He’s super evil.

10:23 Showdown!… and commercials…

10:27 Gasp!

10:28 Gasp!

10:29 “What happened to your neck?” Oooooh, the worlds are bleeding into each other. So, is this going to be awkward when Locke wakes up?

10:32 All these moments where people are remembering their Island selves (I’m assuming…) are very touching. I’ve never even seen the things they’re remembering, but I’m so moved. Also, Jack is definitely going to be the last to remember. Loser. Commercials!

10:36 Where did those ladders on the side of the cliff come from?

10:38 All you need to fix a plane is duck tape. Noted.

10:39 Hmmm… maybe if you have that déjà vu experience in the sideways universe, you are free from the Island in the… uh, Island universe?

10:40 What is their attachment to the Island??? Gawd, learn to let go, guys.

10:41 They’re kissing each other goodbye, probably forever, and I’m just thinking about how uncomfortable it must be to be wearing wet jeans on a tropical island. Commercials!

10:46 Ha! See? Duck tape.

10:48 “Maybe you should read the machine its rights.” lol I’m going to remember that trick the next time a vending machine eats my money.

10:49 I feel a happy ending coming on. Uh, not that kind of happy ending. Commercials!

10:57 Somebody always has to be the suicidal hero.

10:58 “The Island needs you”? Is this like Little Shop of Horrors?

10:59 Ewww, don’t drink that dirty water. Magical dirty water.

11:02 How did she swim with what appears to be a broken arm?

11:03 Yay! Claire is going with them! No loose ends! I wonder where her kid is…

11:05 Yes, now put the phallus back in the hole and everything will be alright.

11:06 Free! Free at last! I hope they have enough gas to get… anywhere.

11:08 Jeez. Jack looks like he’s lost his mind. Commercials!

11:13 So is Ben going to just live out in that courtyard? Work out his issues?

11:16 Aw, Hugo is so sad. He’s got big shoes to fill… I’m assuming. Rise to the occasion, Hugo! Aw, he gave Ben exactly what he needed.

11:18 Everyone who’s had their memories restored seems so Zen. I guess Jack has the most emotional baggage.

11:21 Aw, it’s a little multi-faith chapel. How P.C.

11:22 Oh, snap. Someone lost the corpse. Oh, wait, not exactly… “Jack, I am your father.”

11:24 *tear* I guess dying can’t be easy… So, I guess the Island is, like, transitional therapy for newly dead people?

11:26 Wait, wait, no, the Island was real, and this sideways place is a place they made up to find each other… in death? Or, afterlife?

11:29 I still don’t get it. But at least everyone looks happy. Puppy!

11:30 To the blogs!